Fear of Falling

I am afraid…the feeling of oncoming tragedy relentlessly chips away at every bone in my paralyzed body. I can feel it want and grow with each passing moment. It grows out of nothing, like one of those “snake” fireworks that I used to love as a kid, but there is no love now.

Now I can only see the needle thin red flame that is perpetuating this new terrifying feeling. I close my eyes and instead of making the vision go away it clarifies it, magnifies it, and gives it a new purpose. I have never been more afraid nor more confused by fear in my whole life.

With my eyes still closed, I hear a voice but it is so far away I can’t make out the words. “Sir…? Are you alright? I could make out concern, but which way it was pointed is still a mystery to me. “Sir?! Are you alright?” This time the voice saves me from the bottomless pool of fear that I was swimming in. I open my eyes and quickly turn away from the window I so foolishly picked. Not answering her, I stare trying to get my head around this horrible situation.

A droplet of sweat leaves my forehead while I try to figure out why she is standing there. She looks toward the front of the plane and raises her eyebrows as if to say “I don’t know”. I am perplexed as to why she is giving me so much attention as more turbulence hits, closing my eyes and shoving me back into that deep dark pool. “What the fuck is happening to me?” I whisper to my socks, I don’t remember taking my shoes off, I don’t remember anything before this confusing blackness enveloped me.

My body gasps for air and I smell the perfume of the old woman sitting in front of me, she confuses me even more because I remember her name, but do not know how I know. Something cold and wet hits the back of my neck while my broken thoughts try to mend themselves. A low hum begins to build in my ears and then a familiar vibration, I know these feelings, but now they are somehow completely evil. A pain in my neck lets me know that the compress the flight attendant put there is breaking through my nerves. Plane. The word pops in my head, trying to pry open my eyes, but I don’t because something is waiting for me if I do.

Now hands, human hands are touching me, trying to force me into that deadly position, trying to sooth and calm but they are not strong enough to defeat the foe I am hiding from. They relent which brings back the low hum and the word plane along with all the evil things in the world including tearing steel and burning flesh. “Sir…can you hear me?” A different woman speaks to me. I understand the words and understand that she’s addressing me but as she does it, I am hit with the epiphany of the situation. In the state of confusion, I answer, “What?” Hoping and praying that what I think is happening to me isn’t.