Early Content

46: Tonight, I talk with someone I haven't seen in Thirty years. Introducing Chris "Ap" Aparicio, from August, 1982.

15: Thank you, thank you, it’s good to be here, big shout out to all my friends at Markham, or I guess they’d be on the other side of the posts so, to all my friends at Willow Glen High School, miss ya.

46: How about your friends at Archbishop Mitty High School?

15: Yep, them too.

46: Well, this is as good of a place as any to start the interview, so how about that move?

15: You mean?

46: I mean how did you feel about leaving all your friends to go to a school where you knew nobody?

15: Last year really sucked, the school is so far away.

46: That’s right, last year was the first year you couldn’t walk to school for the first time in your history.

15: Not just that, it seemed like everyone who drove me to school was mad about having to pick me up. The Weisberg’s, The Burkhardt’s, Dad, or one of his employee’s all seemed angry that they had to take time from what they were doing to get me to school. I start riding to school with an older student next week.

46: Who would that be?

15: Some transfer student named Steve Keller. He plays soccer and he’s supposed to have the same birthday as me too.

46: Well, I’d give him a chance, you never know, he might turn out to be a friend of yours down the line.

15: Oh yea…you know something I don’t?

46: Well, yes, everything, I’m the older version of you, remember.

15: This is weird…so if you tell me something about myself, could I try to change the outcome, or me?

46: Yes, but the powers that be told me not to worry about it, because of your personality traits right now.

15: What traits are you talking about?

46: You think everything you think is correct, and your decisions are based on that lack of good knowledge. This means that you don’t really listen.

15: Dude, that’s harsh, I listen.

46: Alright, then listen…right now you are thinking that I don’t know what I am talking about, and I am probably not an actual older version of you. To which I say then why the interview, are you famous, did you do something newsworthy, do you have something important to say, what purpose does it serve if not to entertain the people I know.

15: Ok, Jesus…when do I become an asshole? Is that what happened to your hair?

46: What, the grey?

15: Ya the grey.

46: Funny you should ask, it’s mostly from the choices you make, dummy… …Ok, I’m sorry about the little blow up there…and for the ‘dummy’, it’s just that I remember being you now and want to help with what’s ahead but I can’t tell you anything directly about your future because it might affect how I turn out, and I like how I turned out.

15: Like the time continuum thingy.

46: Yes, exactly, so if I suddenly stop talking, or don’t answer or elaborate on some topic, I won’t address it, I will simply move on.

15: Awesome, Yea when did Dad let you grow your goatee? Because for the past couple months he’s been yelling at me about this (15-year-old Chris points to his upper lip, I have to squint to remember), he’s really mad about it, and I don’t want to ask him why. Do you know what’s going on?

46: No, I could never figure out why he hated facial hair so much…and it’s called a Van Dyke. I grew it out completely in 1988 when I was away at college, then when I came back for Christmas break, he nearly punched me.

15: Like fight punch?

46: Yes, I could see it in his eyes, but unlike you, he was a master of restraint.

15: Whoa, guess I’ll shave tomorrow. So, college, huh? Where do I go, Stanford, UCLA, San Jose State, not an Ivy League School, right?

46: I was hoping you didn’t notice, and it seems we have gone off script, so let me…

15: You scripted this whole thing out?

46: Well, yes, do you really think you are a good enough writer to write a conversation between two people on the fly, especially if they are both you and one is from the past/future?

15: Well, no, but shouldn’t, at least, you be by now? Or do you not write anymore?

46: We will circle back around to that subject, but I wanted to know more about your transition to a new high school. Taking from your ‘yep, them too’ answer, you didn’t make a lot of friend’s freshman year?

15: Not really, not until Soccer started, then it was just them. Mike Ayala and Scott Norman are my only non-soccer friends. It wasn’t like I didn’t want friends, it’s just that I had been shy my whole life, and just when I began to feel more comfortable with myself, I had to start all over again at ground zero. That was unfair which made me angry, which is why I think I got so many red cards last year.

46: Well are you excited about going back to school? What do you think of the campus and a new set of rules?

15: No, I love the campus and what rules? Open campus, getting to miss class to go play the other west catholic high schools in San Francisco, and there aren’t even any bells to tell you when to go to class. Oh man, the Cinco de Mayo thing that went on last year was totally killer. We had three hours off in the middle of the day, if we had a game that day, we would have been out of school at ten o’clock in the morning, so yea I like both.

46: I forgot about Drinko de Mayo, and that you could smoke on campus too.

15: ‘Cinco de Mayo’, and they call the smoking area the Doughnut, but I don’t smoke, and I wouldn’t with the five-mile run Coach Musonic said we were going to have to do before the season starts this year.

46: Yea, that’s probably a good choice. Are you looking forward to your birthday this year?

15: Dude, Mom got her new car, leaving me the Lincoln. I have my certificate of completion of drivers ed from last year, my I.D. card, my Social Security card, my DL-44, copy of my birth certificate, and my appointment at Los Gatos DMV set up for October 4th. My cousin Marcia even gave me some 8-tracks from her collection; Deep Purple – Machine Head, Cars – Candy-O, ELO – Turn to Stone, Elton John’s Greatest Hits, and Wings – Band on the Run. I’m so stoked! (he sees the look of sad concern on my face after two revolutions in the chair he was sitting in and stops) What?

46: What? What?

15: That is not a good look on your face, so…what?

46: (holding my hand up to my ear) Ok, yes… (lowering my hand) When you are twenty-one years old, Marcia and her brother Tim both die in a car accident. I’m only telling you this because you were unprepared for that level of loss, do you understand?

15: ...yes… (looking at the floor, it looks like he’s working on a math problem)

46: How are you doing?

15: I wasn’t driving them, was I? Because I was supposed to go up there, they were supposed to take me out to the bars, and you said ‘when I was twenty-one’, oh shit, I’m not dead, am I?!

46: Jesus! If you die when you are twenty-one, then what am I?

15: I don’t know, I don’t know, man…wait a sec, who was that in your ear?

46: (reluctantly I put my hand back up to my ear) Really?! Alright, it’s your dime. (lowering my hand, I let out a big sigh of exasperation) That is the actual Chris, sitting at his desk in his room March 26th, 2020.

15: What? That’s like thirty years from now.

46: Well, more like seven.

15: I don’t get it.

46: Yea, I don’t either, I think he’s just tired or something. (putting my hand back up to my ear)

15: What’d he say?

46: He says we think too much, and that this portion of the interview is now over. Ok, so here ends part one of the interview with my younger self.

15: Thanks for having me, and I guess I’ll see you later?

46: Yea, we’re not done with the script yet, thanks man, I’ll see you later.

Indeed, the elliptical orbit of the giant Jupiter has a complex apochromatic altazimutal velocity for which the cyclo-parabolic projection (adjusted Lambert benchmark) is affected by a singular analemmic anomaly modifying the apside line (Editor’s note: the line joining the apocenter at the orbital periastron) which crosses precisely the orbit of the asterism of the planet Mars. The peculiarity of this recurrent phenomenon (commonly called “circumstellar elliptic conjunction of coercive neuronal elongation” among astrologers) is to allow the planet Mars to be projected into the telluric zone of solar attraction as a projectile” launched from a sling”. Mars’ heliocentric granular apogee will occur on July 27 at a distance of only 32 million light-years with an amplitude of -2.84 at maximum for a magnitude arc of 3.14 seconds. 

Things I Wanted To Know

Closing your eyes helps you remember things.

People in love have similarities with people with O.C.D.

You appear more attractive to another person when you make them laugh.

You emotionally bond to the people you sing with.

People who swear a lot tend to be more honest, loyal and up front with their friends.

Talking to yourself improves task performance.

Being able to think about how we think is a sign of higher intelligence.

Keeping a dream journal can help you learn to lucid dream.

Lalochezia is the emotional relief gained from using abusive or profane language.

Hyperthymesia causes some people to remember every day of their lives.

Things I Didn’t Want To Know

An analogy is like a thought with another thoughts hat on – Gillian Jacobs

I am a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust.

Slang stands for “short language”.

Pi or 3.14 when written backwards spells PIE.

If the Virgin Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, then…Mary had a little lamb.

Peter Pan was an angel that held children’s hands on the way to Heaven (Neverland). That’s why they never grew up, they were dead.

While you wait for the waiter, in that moment, do you not become the waiter?

You have never seen your own face, only reflections and pictures.

Something is always touching you.

You can always see your nose.

Your tongue never sits comfortably in your mouth.

You will never feel something exactly the same way someone else does.

You can’t imagine a new color.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is.

Intemperance and business trouble

Kicked in the head by a horse

Hereditary predisposition

Ill treatment by husband

Imaginary female trouble

Hysteria

Immoral life

Imprisonment

Jealousy and religion

Laziness

Marriage of son

Masturbation and syphilis

Masturbation for 30 years

Medicine to prevent conception

Menstrual deranged

Mental excitement

Novel reading

Nymphomania

Option habit

Over action of the mind

Over study of religion

Over taxing mental powers

Parents were cousins

Periodical fits

Tobacco and masturbation

Political excitement dissolute habits

Domestic affliction

Domestic trouble

Dropsy

Egotism

Epileptic fits

Excessive sexual abuse

Excitement as officer

Exposure and hereditary

Exposure and quackery

Exposure in army

Fever and jealousy

Fighting fire

Suppressed masturbation

Suppression of menses

The wait

Time of life

Uterine derangement

Venereal excesses

Vicious vices

Women trouble

Superstition shooting of daughter

Small pox

Snuff eating for 2 years

Spinal irritation

Political excitement

Politics

Religious

Enthusiasm

Fever and desertion of husband

Asthma

Bad company

Bad habits

And political excitement

Bad whiskey

Bloody flux

Brain fever

Business nerves

Carbonic acid gas

Congestion of brain

Death of sons in war

Decoyed into the army

Decoyed into the army deranged masturbation

Desertion by husband

Gathering in the head

Greediness

Grief

Gunshot would

Hard study

Rumor of husband murder

Salvation Army

Scarlatti

Seduction and disappointment

Self-abuse

Sexual abuse and stimulants

Sexual derangement

False confinement

Feebleness of intellect

Fell from horse in war

Feale disease

Dissipation of nerves

Nixon Consoling The Nation After An Apollo 11 Crash

“Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice. These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown. In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man. In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood. Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man’s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts. For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.”

Eisenhower apologizing for the tactical failure of D-Day.

"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based on the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt, it is mine alone." Eisenhower apologizing for the tactical failure of D-Day.

Lincoln loses the presidency, makes last-ditch effort to save the Union.

Abraham Lincoln feared he was going to lose the election to his former general, George B. McClellan, before the Union had a chance to win the Civil War. In case that happened, Lincoln wrote a speech that wasn't a concession so much as a declaration of a vengeful hail-Mary move to save the Union. Most of the actual words have been lost, but in the speech, Lincoln declares that he is the only hope for this country, and that should he lose the election: "The city (Richmond) it must be destroyed, and Jeff Davis and Cabinet killed."

Nixon announces his un-resignation.

"If I were to resign, it would spare the country additional months consumed with the ordeal of a Presidential impeachment and trial. But it would leave unresolved the questions that have already cost the country so much in anguish, division and uncertainty. More important, it would leave a permanent crack in our Constitutional structure: it would establish the principle that under pressure, a President could be removed from office by means short of those provided by the Constitution. By establishing that principle, it would invite such pressures on every future President who might, for whatever reason, fall into a period of unpopularity..."

Eisenhower and Arthur Godfrey explain to us that the world is ending, but everything is cool.

In the event that America was to come under nuclear fire, a prerecorded PSA was to be transmitted from the Mount Weather doomsday hideaway in the Blue Ridge Mountains. The message would be from President Dwight D. Eisenhower, but also strangely enough from the spokesperson for Chesterfield cigarettes, Arthur Godfrey. The two men were to assure the people who had not exploded yet that the government was still intact (probably not, though) and presumably that they could always rely on the smooth taste of Chesterfield cigs.

Kennedy declaring All-Out War on Cuba.

"My fellow Americans, with a heavy heart, and in necessary fulfillment of my oath of office, I have ordered -- and the United States Air Force has now carried out -- military operations with conventional weapons only, to remove a major nuclear weapons build-up from the soil of Cuba."

FDR's last words.

"Let me assure you that my hand is the steadier for the work that is to be done, that I move more firmly into the task, knowing that you—millions and millions of you—are joined with me in the resolve to make this work endure. The work, my friends, is peace, more than an end of this war—an end to the beginning of all wars, yes, an end, forever, to this impractical, unrealistic settlement of the differences between governments by the mass killing of peoples. Today as we move against the terrible scourge of war—as we go forward toward the greatest contribution that any generation of human beings can make in this world—the contribution of lasting peace—I ask you to keep up your faith..."

A Candid Conversation with Chris Aparicio, the C.E.O. at the Center for Idiocy. The Pioneers in Pioneer that are the leading research team striving to make the human condition more...unique.

Welcome Chris as you know this interview is for entertainments sake only, so if you want to lie about anything or plain straight not give me an answer that is fine with me...and I have a funny feeling that you might be the only one that agrees to this, so let’s make it painless, ok? Great, fire away.

When did I meet this version of you? Um, this version? Oh, got it, that would be behind the quads at Archbishop Mitty, I had just gotten kicked out of high school but even back then, my personality was beginning to change.

Changing how? Oh, I was quickly becoming jaded about a great many things, religion being the most prevalent. 

Really? Why would getting kicked out of school change your faith in God? Well, it was the way they handled it, handled everything...it all seemed very unchristian to me...but can we talk about something else, that stuff gets me crazy. 

Sure. What did you do after high school? College, work, marriage? Oh, yea...all 3, and only one really worked out. 

Well, since I know you, I would guess that was work that worked out, right? 10-4, got kicked out of both colleges, first at Marymount, then at San Luis Obispo, then of course you know about my divorce. 

Yep, I remember...she was a stripper, right? Yes, of sorts, but over the years I tend to remember things differently than when we first separated and even though I hate admitting it, some of it was my fault. 

Really?! How did this happen? Well, dummy, you grow up and the things that you thought were happening, really weren't and again, can we talk about something else, I thought you said this was going to be painless. 

Yep, I did, sorry again. How about now? Where do you live, what do you do, did you ever re-marry? Well, thanks for not bringing up the family business, but now I live in Pioneer, California. It's really up-country and it's the best decision I've ever made. I was actually having health problems that were work related in San Jose and all those symptoms and pain disappeared when I moved. 

Well, good, great to hear, how about a job? I am thinking about getting back into the workforce, so right now I'm working on my resume'. 

Anything in particular? Nah, just kind of looking here and there. 

Cool, how about marriage? Nope, never got that far in a relationship after my ex. I did propose to a girl in Florida, but she didn't accept, probably because I was drunk. 

Ha, well lucky you. So, you still drink then, I know you were beginning to have a problem with that in San Jose. Beginning to have a problem? I was close to the end of the problem. You saw my working conditions, you would have had to drink too, just to forget the crap I was dealing with. But up here I really don't drink anymore, just sit at my dining table and write. 

Anything new you're working on? Yep, "The Romance of Romance" is something I came up with a couple days ago. 

Romance, huh? I try to stifle a giggle. I hear your smart ass but, believe it or not, that's mostly what I write about now. I guess because all my romances went so badly that I think about it a lot...I don't know, I just like to write about that kind of perfection. 

No, I getcha, it's just so far away from the stuff you used to write about. I know, what the hell happened to me? 

Old age, brother, I'm going through it now too. Yes, I know. 

Alright, how about down the road...what would you like to happen? Well, get published for 1, continue to write for 2 and after that...I'm really keeping things open. 

No new romances you can practice writing on? That's kind of personal, don't you think? 

Well, yes, but you've always been an open book when it comes to the public knowing your business. I guess you're right, nope nothing new on the horizon, I have a lot of girl "friends", but I'm way to scared to try to cultivate that into something more...maybe I'm gun shy? 

I'd say go for it, but I know your luck so I'd stay on the cautious side.

So, Val, how did I meet you? We were at the Branham Lounge and I had decided to come in on the day shift. The bar was full and you and "Pigeon" (name changed to protect the innocent) were talking. You said an inappropriate thing to me.

What did I say? You don’t remember?! 

No, I don’t remember. You commented on what "Pigeon" was saying. 

Which was…? How my boobs stuck out of my shirt. 

I was commenting on something "Pigeon" was saying about your boobs? Yes, you said “Wow!”, and after you said It, I said, “You Wish!” 

Wait, you said “I wish?” Yes, I did. "Pigeon" said something about my fucking boobs and then you threw in your 5 cents, that’s when you met me. 

Good, okay, I don’t remember. And “James Worthy” (name changed to protect the innocent) was bartender! Okay, fine! What was your first impression of me? You intrigued me, your quick wit along with your intelligence made you stand out. 

What, really? Yea, your self-confidence was pretty cool, but what you said could have been perverted. 

I was just commenting on your dress. Boobs. Then you just took your drink and kept walking down the bar, I thought you were some sort of mastermind, and I said to myself that I've got to come back here, because I meet a lot of interesting people during the day. 

What did you think about the Branham at that time? I’d been there before all of the new people got there; I wish Jim hadn’t of sold the place. 

Yea, I lived down the street when I was young, so I knew about it, and the new crew that came in was the best. Cool. 

What were some of your most memorable times there…with the new crew? To tell the truth, the weekend you went to jail was one of the best times. 

Fuck, what? Well, yea, because that was the weekend that "James Taylor" (name changed to protect the innocent again) gave the psycho-bitch the necklace, Oh! And he danced too. Plus, we went to dinner with "Richard Burton” and “Elizabeth Taylor” (obvious name change). She spilled her drink on the floor in the back? 

I don’t remember that. You don’t?! 

Then she threw up in the parking lot, next to her car! While I held her hair. Why did you do that, I thought you said she didn’t like you? 

She didn’t, but even bitches need someone to look after them every once in a while. Well, now I do know. 

We went out 3 different times. Yea, still don’t remember. Do you remember going to "Bert and Ernie's?" (Names & sexes changed) 

Nope, Jesus, sorry again. We went out to Black Angus and I’d like to say I paid for myself, you were pissed off about it. 

Okay, I remember that. Everyone was all like, “Oh, Shit!” And then the next day at the bar, I played Ween’s “Bueno’s Tardes”, and you fucking knew it! I thought I was the only one, then you start singing the words. I was all like “Fucker! That’s my song!” 

Yea, and I said that I was older, so I heard it first. You were being an asshole. 

Well, moving on… Then "Darryl Strawberry" (Kevin Bacon) started playing country music, ruining the rest of the songs. Even "James Worthy" was getting pissed! Man, I loved those times and I do remember some of them. That was when I finally started to feel like I was becoming a part of something again. Pretty phenomenal, because I didn’t know you before, and since I went mostly at night, we missed each other and you seemed to me like you were an interesting person so I felt like I was missing something during the day. 

Okay, so goes the rounds at the bar, it was a good time for me at least, for a lot of us, I think. For me too, I was always fucked up. 

Along with the rest of us. Okay, now how about that fateful night when I held my gun to your head? I jump gears because I know everyone wants to hear the story, but I had forgotten about the scenery. Hold on, we started on Friday, after work, and that’s when we started our binge. We left when it was still day out and continued to party at your house. 

Then what happened? We hung out, had sex, and went to bed. The next day, Saturday morning, "Chandelier" (code) was working so we showed up early…she was making some other kind of shots for everyone, who were there by the time we showed up. 

What kind of shots? I don’t remember, but we were drinking tequila shots. 

What?! I was drinking tequila on Saturday morning? Yea, whatever, then we went out to eat with "Bert" and "Ernie" (see above) and ate dinner…I was pretty worried about you because you were fucked up. 

What? Yea, that was like the first time I saw you fucked up, I was like whoa! We both had lobster, then we all went back to the Branham. Neither you nor anyone else should have been driving. 

Yea, I get that a lot. What happened at the bar? We were doing booby dancing and more shots. 

I don’t remember that. Yea, you really weren’t there. You kept on talking about being suffocated then you said we should go barbeque. 

Didn’t we just get back from dinner? Yea, but "Chandelier" was hungry and everyone still wanted to party with us. 

I can see that. So, another midnight barbeque at my house? Yea, we left and went to Safeway. 

You said that we broke some bottles there? Nope, Safeway didn’t have the good wine, so we went to the liquor store. 

What did we get at the liquor store? A couple bottles of wine and some champagne. I was tripping about what you spent on everything. 

But they were my friends, why wouldn’t I? Well, we fought about it at Safeway and "Chandelier" and I said that we weren’t going to let you buy everything. Thank you. Then what? I have to say this right now. I didn’t like to see you pay for everyone, like buying drinks at the bar. Especially when I didn’t see them buy anything for you. 

That pissed you off. Yea, because it happened all the time, it irritated me. 

Well shit, aw shucks. Where were we? Then we continued to fight at the liquor store. 

How did the bottles get broke? The wine bottles jumped off the display when I walked by and you said that you saw it happen. 

I said I saw the bottles jump off the display. No, the whole display fell, that’s why the guy didn’t charge us, and I started laughing and couldn’t stop. 

So, when they fell, you just started laughing? Yea, well, besides for the fact that we both had red wine on our shoes, I just started laughing. 

Well, hate to say it again, I do not remember that. I don’t expect you would have. 

Okay, anything happens at the house. Oh shit! 

Oh shit, what? A lot of people showed up, then things started getting weird. 

Like what? Table dancing and ass slapping while you were trying to cook. Then you walked into the kitchen and grabbed one of my shrimps and complimented me on it. Then you went out and started serving drinks to everyone while telling stories and fucked up jokes. Everyone was there, but because you started cooking so late, some people went back to the bar. 

Holy shit, hold on…all the memories of parties are giving me a headache. I would like to finish Saturday, because my friggen head hurts. What happened then? "Chandelier" and I started taking pictures of us with our phones, then "Ernie" jumped in, then psycho-bitch, and that was all bad. 

I don’t think I want to remember this day anymore. I had a camera? Yea, you were going through pictures of your ex-wife. 

Lovely. Then a 4-way kiss. That’s was the first time you kissed me. 

I don't question this because it seems out of place, but who's to say the timeline isn't correct. Shit, is the night over yet? Wrapping up, pretty much. 

Okay, stop there, and I’m going to stop because it’s late and I want to sleep now. Stay tuned for the next episode of how the Branham turns.